Another Day

I woke up cold. I slept with the window open-the one right next to my bed.

The night before, I talked to you. Sitting in a park, on a bench, in the cold. Barefoot. Sobbing, shaking....."Please tell me you miss me, that you talk about me to someone!" (of course i do. i miss you. do you think this has been easy for me?) "But we're perfect for each other. You know it's true." (yes, we are. but i had to make this decision) "I'm not sorry for saying these things, for falling apart; you've had longer to deal with this." (i know. you need to say them. i don't mind. i'm listening.) It was late, and I was exhausted.

Later, after the sun rose, I felt hollow, transparent in the slanted morning light. Still exhausted, instead of calling you--you'd said we'd talk later in the day--I called someone else. (hey! you feeling better? you didn't sound too good when you left that voicemail in the middle of the night) "I'm ok. Will you to take me to breakfast?" (damn, i can't. i have to help someone move today.) "That's ok, maybe it's better that way." (what? why?) "Just...uh.....I don't know." He laughed. (you're crazy, woman). I laughed. "Is that a bad thing? I'll talk to you later. Have fun moving."

I texted him a few minutes later. **I said it's probably better bcuz I was going 2 ask u 2 come get in bed w/me & hold me first. & maybe u don't wanna be a substitute bed warmer**

*(yes i do)*

I woke up cold, and I wanted him to warm me up. Imagining you doing it hurt too much. I wanted to fit my smaller body into the curve of his bigger body and feel his arms around me. I love you, but I needed his warmth. I wanted to feel his hands hold mine, to stroke my hair, to feel his breath on my neck and tell me I'm going to survive this. He doesn't expect me to be whole, and I don't expect him to be you... it seemed like a good enough fit.