Saturday, September 28, 2019


Numb

I love the numb..
The non-remembering
The not remembering 
The shuttering of thoughts... memories that won’t let go

I want them to go
To zip quickly away 
So I can’t feel their moment, their import 
So the residual detritus 
Doesn’t taint every minute

Numbness is coping
When does the level of need abate
To where I don’t 
Want
To feel so numb

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Love--A Rough Draft

This love we have-
It frustrates me, it perplexes me, it leaves me wanting more.
But it's just what I need. Perfect in its balance of never and more than enough.

I've been the object of desire, of all-consuming love.
I have pictures and letters to prove it.
Those didn't do for me at all.

You don't look at my pictures, much. 
I don't have declarations of your undying love.
You don't always hear me.
Your work, your studies, our children consume you, but--

I don't need to be consumed, as much as it appeals to me...well, maybe occasionally.
I don't want to be memorialized, or memorized, and especially not misunderstood.
It's not my place to exist in someone's dreams.

THIS is my place— with you, stumbling through the day-to-day,
As our kids take first steps, learn to drive, fail classes, throw up, make new friends, skin their knees, open presents, learn to navigate life's nuances..
My place is with you as I age, and you come into your own-as I did, in my thirties.
While I look at new wrinkles, you learn about exhaustion and the weary plodding through the mundane and wondrous rigors of childhood.


Who are we? We are you, me, us, them.
All of us together, each one of us apart.
Big and small, thick and thin--words, bodies, hopes, dreams, meanings.

I wander away from understanding sometimes, in favor of resentment, anger, bitter retribution--all in my mind.
But your love brings me back, sometimes chagrined and ashamed, sometimes justified and convicted of my cause.
It rarely brings me back through force, or even compulsion by you in any sense.
It--you--always bring me back.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Sweet, Sweet, Sweet

She stands, bending her knees slightly,
Bouncing lightly,
to the music
I downloaded for her benefit.

Songs that move me more than she'll ever know.
Songs of joy and love,
tunes that talk about simply joys--home, sunlight,
sleeping in the quiet of the night

I love her solemn, voluptuous earnestness,
Guiding her as she crawls and lurches
From one new experience to the next.

She plays, she learns, then she sleeps.
And I miss her until she wakes again.

Friday, November 05, 2010

What Barely Was

Empty and sad.
Mourning a loss of something
that barely was.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

i will miss (and not miss)

i will miss: 
 the sky and the water connecting in one fluid line as i drive over the Bob Sykes bridge. 
knowing that i can't speed on base or on campus at uwf. 
feeling a blast of hot, wet, sticky air when i lower my window at any time from may through early October... 
knowing i'm a part of a community of people who can claim they're from here, and somehow have some moral superiority over every other person who's NOT a native.... because we are a rarity. 
cocktails and tapas at global grill. 
 sushi at dharma's, atlas, and horizen's. 
the trestle on 17th avenue. 
bayou texar. 
white sands that whistle and squeak when i walk across the dunes (that people can't drive on). 
memories of buildings wiped out by hurricanes--trader john's, surf and sand cottages, just to name a few. sunday brunch at madison's, flounder's, and end of the line. 
 pizza and beer at ozone's. 
antique shopping at alyssa's in pace.
la hacienda after church. 
driving and walking and eating and partying dowtown....Palafox, the Saenger.... 

my best friends. My good friends. My sometimes friends. 

i will not miss...... missing my baby. 
sleeping alone. 
wondering if my future is ever going to start.

hoping and waiting

i've been silent
lately
because i can't rest-
between the pauses
and the fits
and starts

that make up this
period of waiting

that will start
my new life--
the one i've always known i should lead

and hope will
actually happen

because i love him
and he loves me.

Monday, December 15, 2008

tomorrow

you'll be here tomorrow. again.

i just saw you at thanksgiving, and you surprised me, then.
i thought i might surprise you, now.
but nature had a different plan.
it's better this way, and i'm relieved...
but also a little disappointed.

i'm ready to start things, and keep starting things

Friday, March 14, 2008

the noise in my room is of negative space:
a quiet that comes from a lack.
the lack is due
to the silence that comes
from your absence,
and my missing you.

i miss you already

your hand-on the small of my back-
leaves an imprint.
i am chained to that touch,
and cannot move past it.

you are my forever,
and i only partially know who i am

when you are not near.