another letter

dear ----,
i appreciate the words of encouragement concerning my last "letter". it's important for me to have an audience without actually having an audience. you figure things out through your lyrics; i figure things out in e-mails that never get sent. in other words, i feel comfortable telling things to a stranger (because that's really what you are) rather than people i see on a daily basis. they tend to catalog statements and remind you of them later. and you become culpable for any instruction that might have been administered. "see! i told you that would happen...." you somehow feel obligated not to disappoint them, to somehow diminish yourself in their eyes. that's unpleasant. no one likes to be vulnerable or feel manipulated out of the choice-making process. so, i can express myself freely to you, without regret. you have no vested interest, and will therefore offer none of the platitudes and admonishments offered by moms and man-hating best friends everywhere.
it must be evident from my previous posts that the nature of things has changed for the better. my love has come partway back. i say partway, because even though he acknowledges our compatibility, and even though he told me that i make him happy, there are no guarantees that things will work out the way i want them to. let me refresh your memory on that point: i want to spend the rest of forever cooking him dinner, arguing about religion and politics, and holding hands. i've done all those things and more. and i feel content.
see, i know what i want from a relationship. this is mainly because i was so unhappy in my previous ones (particularly my marriage--you may have caught the story about it elsewhere). i don't think my ex- is evil. he's just not right for me. but my baby....oh, he's perfect.....perfect for me. i don't have to convince myself; i just know it.
so he came to see me the week before christmas. we spent a great deal of time getting the backdrops ready for the school's christmas play. he helped me, took me out to dinner, took me shopping, fulfilled my needs. HE CAME TO SEE ME. my heart ached loudly enough that he heard and responded. i don't beg, but i'm honest. i don't hold back; pain can be cathartic in the end.

i wish i had a definitive way to describe my future with this man. he knows what i want, and i think he wants it too. but he's struggling to get past some of the impediments. all i know is that when i look into his eyes, all the cheesy romance novels and love songs and chocolate-fondue poetry become real and valid for me. i see us twenty years down the road-me with my hair dyed an unnatural color and him with an extra fifteen pounds around his waist-and none of that would be true if the feelings weren't reciprocated. it's when he's there and i'm here, and his dad is chewing away on his ear about the detriments of marrying an OLDER woman with THREE children, that he loses sight of the truth.
but i don't.